Mood:  not sure

Its been quite the while since I last blogged, so, here I am. Here's the current scene in the horror-flick I call my life.

Andrew and Kevin have come to Michigan (Cadillac, specifically) to visit...namely...me. Now, to start things off right doesn't that put pressure on a girl? Anyway I'm really glad they came...sort of. I missed them A LOT but I'm not really sure I can handle them being here. First off, the more time I spend alone with him, the more nervous I am that Kevin simply wants me so he can get laid. That boy simply cannot keep his hands in an appropriate place. There is still the rest of the week to play out though, so I'm content to wait and see for now. I hope for my stupid self's sake that this is something real because I don't know if I can handle the fact that I set myself up yet again. The hurt would be enough to kill me but to toss in the fact that I was the only one to blame once again would surely send me straight to hell.
So, on another subject, namely Andrew. I haven't the slightest idea how to act around him now. I don't want to lose him and I'm afraid that I will. I know that it should be that hard not to fuck up again but I am only human and mistakes are in my nature...and allowing that its me, mistakes are expected, especially when my entire life is mistakes...even though some do turn out correctly. One thing that really scared me is that he kept saying he wanted to see Ryan while he was at home yesterday, and while he has the right he also knows...knew...how much I put on the line to keep talking to him after Ryan specifically said not to. It may seem like a little thing but Ryan is the glue that keeps my family together and without him I don't think my mom would be able to hold herself together, so what he says go. Disobeying a direct order from him could, theoretically, tear my family apart. When it comes to Andrew I don't know if I can do it. I cannot do anything right when it comes to him. This is rediculous and I don't think I can handle it. I am fully aware of the fact that he is having a hard time dealing with me and Kevin and such and I respect that. Bottom line: I am terrified of someone who is a best friend. Terrified.

I don't want to deal with this anymore, and I will stop it one way or another, even if it comes to needing to permanently remove myself. There is a reason I have a dagger and a gun.
Even though I have always looked at pills as a weak way out it is also a very effective, very easily accomplished backup.